I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
