I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
