The maid of honor just puked.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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