So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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