i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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