no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
