Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Every concussion has its silver lining
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
