theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
