Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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