if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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