Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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