May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
