then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
