He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
