1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize