Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
And then he peed in my hair
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