at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
