I cannot find my penis.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
