you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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