he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
