I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
