Her vagina should come with caution tape.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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