Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
