i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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