I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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