My hand turned me down
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Boobs speak an international language.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
