Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
