I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
BRING THE BAGELS
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
