college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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