this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
