Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize