I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you will always have a special place in my vag
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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