Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Boobs are out for the taking
I need to wash the frat house off of me
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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