how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
