If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
