So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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