he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
