Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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