Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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