my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
