I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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