My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
