We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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