He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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