just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
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