Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
