i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
