the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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