Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
