i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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