Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We need to get me chipped asap
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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