I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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