Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
