i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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