some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Sober January is a disaster.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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