how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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