...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
