I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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